Style as Self Love or Self Shame? The Motive Behind Your Clothing Choices
As a personal stylist, I’ve learned to recognize the emotions I see in my clients throughout our time together. When we first meet, they are more often negative — mainly directed at themselves. And it takes a while to work through what first created the negative thoughts they bathe themselves in.
I doubt it’s a shock that these feelings started while very young. An aunt mentions how pudgy you are even though you’re only six. Or the boys in the school yard say you look ugly in your glasses. Or your mother tells you as a teen that the reason you can’t run to catch the dog is because you’re fat (when really she doesn’t know you smoke a pack a day). Yeah, that last one is mine…
The people we were basically forced to be with in childhood aren’t necessarily our tribe, even when they are your family. They are only regurgitating what they learned - but it doesn’t mean you have to continue the emotional deprecation that lingers.
The feelings unknowingly surface in our daily lives, including in our own personal style. Because it is the way we initially introduce ourselves to the world before we speak a word. And in that first moment, we are stating how we feel about ourselves.
The Stress of Clothes Shopping
During the initial consult, clients feel it necessary to explain that they hate shopping. It stresses them out, they never find what they want or anything that looks good on them. And this is my first clue that these women are shopping with shame. Yes, shame.
I owned a women’s clothing boutique that specifically focused on helping women with jeans. Not a day went by that I didn’t hear the phrase “I hate finding jeans” or “you’ll never be able to find me a pair.” Challenge Accepted.
That was my cue to help my customer step away from the fear of trying on jeans. They came into the shop expecting that their bodies would never fit into denim or that they would hate themselves when they looked in the mirror. It was my job to get their mind off of the fear of their body not “fitting” and onto the relief of finding a pair that FIT THEM.
It’s not so much that jeans are the hardest thing to fit on a woman, it’s the headspace she’s in when she tries them on. She is shaming herself for the body she has instead of recognizing that the jeans aren’t right for her beautiful shape.
Why are you buying that?
I was first introduced to the concept of shame shopping while reading The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor. Ms. Taylor discusses Best-Interest vs. Detriment buying, which is a concept that really opened my eyes to best describe the concept of style as self shame.
Best-Interest buying is the act of purchasing something that reiterates a positive attitude towards yourself and your body. It could be clothing or makeup or bath products — but it brings you happiness and is a compliment to yourself. Detriment buying is choosing a product because it is supposed to make you better — because you feel you are lacking or in need of fixing. Detriment buying may give some small sense of relief but only in that you think it increases your worth. But, let’s be honest — do women buy body contouring shaper garments because they love how they feel in them? Maybe a small group of ladies enjoy them, but Spanx certainly weren’t created to celebrate a woman’s true form.
How to Move from Shame to Love
How do you enter a shopping experience with love rather than shame? This isn’t a snap-of-the-fingers quick fix. These shame responses to our bodies are heavily instilled into our psyche. And so it will take a while to break the shame spell, so to speak.
During my time as a stylist, I created a fundamental guide to finding the style you feel most comfortable, confident and empowered in. The very first step is accepting who you are at this very moment. This can be a bitter pill to swallow, but it is necessary in the journey to radical self love.
Owning that you have the old negative mindset is part of giving yourself compassion when entering a situation that normally stresses you. It’s hard not to shame yourself for shaming yourself! Old feelings well up when walking through the door — so accept those and remind yourself of how you want to change the game.
Then what?!?
Have a purpose — why are you shopping today? What is it you want? Try not to look for what you like on other people — this usually ends in some form of shame, whether it’s that you’re not thin enough or you don’t have curves, or you have bigger breasts that won’t fit that outfit. Look for what you feel comfortable in. This is key to finding clothing you feel confident in. If not, you’re fooling around, tugging on, and basically hiding yourself. Going straight for an outfit that you know you won’t like on yourself is self-destructive. If there is a look you are searching for — imagine the outfit on your body the way you want it to look. When you begin to mold that look in your head, you can better search out the pieces that will create it.
When choosing your pieces, pay attention to the emotion it gives you. If you think “This makes me look skinny” or “Black is the only color I can wear,” then you are detriment buying and self shaming your amazing body. Thoughts such as “This color looks great on me” or “This top shows off my shoulders” are positive and welcome feelings. You are complimenting yourself by picking out what allows you to accept yourself as the beautiful being you are.
This is practicing self love. You are seeing the clothing as part of yourself — who you are and what you want the world to know about you. Clothing is merely a decoration that celebrates your shape and tones. Self-deprecating phrases like “I wish I could wear that,” or “I would never look good in that,” are just defeating words. When you start to see clothing as a welcome addition to your body, you feel more positive about your curves and your overall wellbeing.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
As I mentioned, this does not come easy. I always find a good wardrobe reorganization is practice for working through self-shame style. Go through your closet and ask yourself — “Is this a Best-Interest piece or is it Detrimental?” Did I buy this to make myself “better” or did I love it so much I had to have it? And prepare yourself before shopping. Go with an idea of what you are looking for and turn away from the wishful attitude of wanting to look different. Self love is a celebration of our beautiful bodies and souls. You deserve to feel fabulous in what you wear.